Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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