i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
