You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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