I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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