You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize