my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
