Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
