i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
