i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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