It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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