Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
