i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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