peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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