I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
