oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
