the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
