Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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