Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
