Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
a search helicopter?!
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
