I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
