u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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