dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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