I'm so fucking centered right now
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
