i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
