she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
