Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
