the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize