dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
