mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
