I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I still have a little drunk in my system
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
