Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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