I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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