Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
is that a dick in a sweater?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
