This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
