Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
