He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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