If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
