i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
