How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
