I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
