Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
