I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize