I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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