i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
