Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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