I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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