If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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