She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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