I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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