nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I can't turn off my feet"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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