that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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