she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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