He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
