About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Pants are for mortals
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
