3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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