Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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