i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
