Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
